How to Use Principles of Polyvagal Counseling to Determine When Your Nervous System Feels Safe
As I have been talking to people about emotional felt safety, I’ve noticed a trend. Sometimes we move into a protective safety as opposed to a connected safety. Connected emotional felt safety is when you feel settled, calm, in good relationship with others if they are near you or not. Some people refer to it as supported, relaxed, or peaceful. This all indicates that our nervous system is relaxed and not receiving any cues of danger either physically or emotionally.
The ideal place for us to be in terms of emotional felt safety is connected. That may mean we are with others and feeling relaxed and happy or that we have enough strong relationships in our lives that we can be alone and know that our loved ones are just a phone call or visit away.
When I think about protective safety versus connected safety, I think it’s easy to confuse the two. Protected safety looks like avoiding situations in efforts for our nervous system to not be challenged. I don’t mean rest, or a break, or some time away as these times can be restorative. I recognize that there are times when we may need to actively protect ourselves from some people that are difficult to interact with.
I’m looking at the patterns of avoiding others so that we simply feel protected without actually feeling connected. Protected felt safety is potentially isolating from others, avoiding others, maybe caving in at home alone or with one person to read or binge watch television. It can also mean we are around other people but we are doing things to keep ourselves at arm’s length from others like not fully participating in conversations, using sarcasm to avoid topics or wearing air pods to ignore others.
The key for me is going back to the “notice and name” practice we use in polyvagal counseling. This is the process of noticing what our nervous system is telling us at any given moment and naming that. This helps us make choices about what our body and mind need. If I notice after choosing to watch a few shows because I needed “down time” that I feel lonely, that is an indication to me that I moved into protective safety and it would be a good idea to reach out to someone. But, if I feel rested and rejuvenated, I know that was the right choice for me and now it is time to get moving or on to a new project.
I challenge all of us in this new year to examine our choices and practice “notice and name” so we can move ourselves into more times of connected safety.
Photo of woman with child on sidewalk by Sai de Silva.
Photo of four men by Matheus Ferrero.
Photo of couple by Anthony Tran.
Amy is the founder of Rooted Compassion Counseling and Consulting. She is a therapist, trainer, and consultant. She is an expert in the Polyvagal Theory and specializes in trauma, EMDR, Somatic Focused Counseling, and several other modalities. She also serves as a facilitator of SoulCollage and Writing Circles.
The Rooted Compassion team is made up of a group of counselors who have a variety of specialties in order to best serve our clients. We recognize that every person has his/her own personal and unique life experiences and that one modality will not work for every client. Listed below is a summary of our counselors’ specialties at Rooted Compassion:
Emotional Freedom Techniques
Grief Counseling
Somatic Focused Counseling
EMDR
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Mindfulness-Based Practices
Trauma Responsive Care Techniques
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Motivational Interviewing
Gottman Couples Counseling
If you are interested in learning more about what Rooted Compassion is all about, please contact us today, look through our website, or find us on Instagram and Facebook.
Rooted Compassion Counseling is Ohio’s leading practice for trauma therapy through the lens of the nervous system. Our focus is to walk alongside clients as they heal from depression, anxiety, trauma, grief and/or loss. If you or someone you know are seeking to explore and build an inner sense of calm and safety, please contact us today. We would love to help you to find a counselor and counseling techniques that will guide you on your mental health journey to healing.
