Cincinnati Therapist Explores Safe Connection for the Holidays and New Year
Whether we do celebrate religious holidays or keep cultural traditions at this time of year or we don’t, one can’t deny that there exists a certain hum (or clamor!) of activity, expectation, and anticipation that builds up as we near holiday time and the coming of a new year. While we hold onto our traditions because they may provide meaning and comfort, we may also feel overwhelmed by the urgency, rush, and expectation of the season. Depending upon life experiences, it may be especially triggering or difficult for some who feel tasked to meet expectations that often come with traditions and the “doings” of the holiday. In the spirit of hope that many associate with this time of year, it seems timely to talk about sharing in some peace and safe connection.
According to the Polyvagal Theory, our nervous system is built for co-regulation, (regulation through interpersonal connection), via our Social Engagement System, or SES.
Our SES is supported largely by cranial and facial nerves and is accessible when our nervous system is, at least in part, in a calm and engaged state. In other words, when our nervous system senses or detects cues of safety, or “glimmers”, in our inner or outer environment and relationships that help us to feel at ease and regulated, we are then more open to connection (Dana, 2018, p.67).
“Through the Social Engagement System, we use our eyes, our voice, and movement of our face and head to send and receive signals of safety and to reach out for and offer connection.” -Deb Dana, in The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy
So, this means that an important source of safety cues is other people! What resonates with me most about the above quote is that we both send and receive safety signals and that we can reach out for and offer connection with others. Our SES, a system which we all share, allows the potential exchange of safety and connection. Even though we all may differ in our experiences and in how we belong or identify with other types of systems such as cultural, religious, or family systems, the Social Engagement System provides a common ground to help us look for glimmers, connect with fellow human beings, feel seen and heard—in essence, to co-regulate.
I recently braved a visit to the grocery store in the rain, right before a major holiday, with a winter storm expected within hours. As I drove into the packed parking lot, I could see the tension on drivers’ faces and started to feel my own tension and frustration rising and my inner critic begin to chatter: “I should have gotten this done last weekend”, “This is going to take me forever and I have so much to do”, “Do I really need cranberries for the cranberry salad?”, and so on. I caught myself beginning with the unhelpful thoughts, and then I also became aware that in that moment I was walking very fast in a stooped manner as if trying to power through my task. I didn’t have a mirror in front of me, but I’m guessing I also had some sort of pained look on my face. I stepped aside to pause, straighten my posture, take an intentional breath, and relax my jaw. Then I made the decision to simply stay aware and present with my own nervous system responses. I wanted to notice the glimmers!
Even though we can’t think our nervous system into a calm engaged state, we can practice awareness and mindfulness to stay present, notice our internal responses to cues, and choose whether to and how to reach out and offer connection.
Moving into the store, I was feeling the slower, consistent pace of my heart and noticed that the urgency in my gait was also relaxing. As I navigated carefully through the twenty grocery aisles stuffed with frantic shoppers, I began to just notice faces. Many were not offering eye contact, though some were. In my increasingly engaged state, I felt comfortable, more open to offering others a softer demeanor, a smile, a calm tone of voice, even the last box of pasta! Offering safety to others helped me to feel safer too. While I didn’t notice a lot of glimmers during the thirty- minute wait in the checkout line, at the POS, the cashier looked right into my eyes, offered me a genuine smile and a gentle-toned holiday wish. Ah, glimmers! And I was right back to being present in the moment.
“There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of even one small candle.” -Robert Alden
Wishing you peace and glimmers of wellness in 2023!
References:
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy. The W.W. Norton & Company.
Photo Credits:
Lights by Unsplash
With a strengths-based, person-centered approach to counseling, Julie (she/her/hers) is guided by respect for and understanding of this principle. Julie supports others in recognizing their strengths and building the resilience necessary to manage challenges with greater ease.
The Rooted Compassion team is made up of a group of counselors who have a variety of specialties in order to best serve our clients. We recognize that every person has his/her own personal and unique life experiences and that one modality will not work for every client. Listed below is a summary of our counselors’ specialties at Rooted Compassion:
Emotional Freedom Techniques
Grief Counseling
Somatic Focused Counseling
EMDR
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Mindfulness-Based Practices
Trauma Responsive Care Techniques
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Drama Therapy/Expressive Arts
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Rooted Compassion Counseling is Ohio’s leading practice for trauma therapy through the lens of the nervous system. Our focus is to walk alongside clients as they heal from depression, anxiety, trauma, grief and/or loss. If you or someone you know are seeking to explore and build an inner sense of calm and safety, please contact us today. We would love to help you to find a counselor and counseling techniques that will guide you on your mental health journey to healing.