Parenting Through the Polyvagal Lens
When I first learned about the Polyvagal Theory, my kids were 13 and 10. I thought things had been going well in our efforts at helping these kiddos grow into competent, caring, contributing adults. I did not know what was to come with their changing brains and hormone explosion. Dan Siegel, in his book Brainstorm, tells us that kiddos are not only infused with hormones to help their bodies grow and change but that their brains go through a massive change from age 12-25. Anyone who has been (😊) a teen or lived with one knows the intensity that might come. I love how Seigel frames it – that their brain is becoming more refined, and it can be uncomfortable living through that.
During the time my kids were adolescents, I was going through my own brain changes – menopause, graduate school, job adjustments. Needless to say, it was chaotic in our home.
My learning about the Polyvagal Theory saved us, particularly when it came to our tone of voice.
I was raised in a home where some of us used a sarcastic tone to communicate. Try as I might to not do that with my kids, I did. And guess who learned it? Yep, the kids.
Why is it so much easier to hear the tone of voice of others than our own? It’s the vagus nerve!
As Dr Porges has taught us, a big part of how we assess for safety (both physically and emotionally) starts with what we hear, particularly with tones. I consider how dogs hear and communicate with each other. My dogs growl and bark at each other when playing, but the tone of those same sounds change when they sense danger. It’s the same for us. When my kids would communicate a message with a tone, my blood would boil.
In nervous system language, I would move into that mobilized/flee/fight state and equate that as disrespect.
Then, it would be hard for me to communicate effectively with them. They experienced a similar reaction when my tone was less than kind.
In learning the PVT, I was able to stop myself from responding from anger. This took A LOT of trial and error and time. It’s not an easy thing to do – to stop ourselves from acting when we feel heightened in our emotions. It takes practice. That is where our practice of Notice and Name comes in. Deb Dana shares that practice with us in her work.
As I started to notice I was feeling activated, I would try to name that. Just the act of naming helped me to begin to slow down my reaction.
I explained this to my daughter and asked her if she would work on this with me. She agreed and we decided we would say the word “ouch” when we heard a tone from the other that felt uncomfortable. At first, we would respond with, “I don’t have a tone,” fully believing that. BUT, we eventually decided that the listener got to say if a tone was present, not the speaker. And the invitation was to soften the tone.
It took us a long time to work through these and we sometimes still mess up. But for the most part we can now say, “I’m having a hard time hearing you with that tone.” And for the most part the speaker will soften the tone and ask, “Is this better?” It has made our relationship infinitely better.
And I am eternally grateful for the teaching of the PVT.
Knowing, hearing and communicating tones of voice don’t just exist with parents and kiddos. It is a living experience for every human, as well as dogs and all mammals. Perhaps you can apply this information to your life.
If you are interested in learning more about the Polyvagal Theory, we have a few options for you! On January 20, 2023 I am leading a 7-month training class, Foundations, with Deb Dana’s team. This is most appropriate for professionals. In the next few months, Rooted Compassion will be offering 3 hour trainings for other professionals AND an 8-week hybrid of live and recorded Zoom meeting for anyone who wants to learn more about how to apply the PVT to their own lives. It will be very experiential as we will offer a variety of movements, music, writing and art projects to help you learn. Stay tuned!
REGISTER for the 7-month training class, Foundations, with Deb Dana’s team below!
References:
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy. The W.W. Norton & Company.
Stephen W. Porges, PhD | Polyvagal Theory. (2022). Stephen Porges PhD. https://www.stephenporges.com/
Md, D. S. J. (2015). Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. TarcherPerigee.
Photo Credits:
Walking by Krzysztof Kowalik on Unsplash
As a somatic health expert, Amy provides compassionate, person-focused, and practical therapy to individuals experiencing grief, anxiety, depression, trauma, stress, and work-life balance challenges. Having twenty years of experience as a massage therapist and body worker uniquely positions Amy to understand and appreciate the body-mind connection.
The Rooted Compassion team is made up of a group of counselors who have a variety of specialties in order to best serve our clients. We recognize that every person has his/her own personal and unique life experiences and that one modality will not work for every client. Listed below is a summary of our counselors’ specialties at Rooted Compassion:
Emotional Freedom Techniques
Grief Counseling
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EMDR
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Dialectical Behavior Therapy
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Rooted Compassion Counseling is Ohio’s leading practice for trauma therapy through the lens of the nervous system. Our focus is to walk alongside clients as they heal from depression, anxiety, trauma, grief and/or loss. If you or someone you know are seeking to explore and build an inner sense of calm and safety, please contact us today. We would love to help you to find a counselor and counseling techniques that will guide you on your mental health journey to healing.
