From Glimmer to Glow: Polyvagal Theory and Pet Loss
For those of you who have lost a beloved pet, their loss brings immense grief and intense pain and sorrow. Know that I recognize and hold you and your loved one’s special and irreplaceable bond in my heart. In this blog, I want to share with you all an exercise that has helped me to actively celebrate his life and tap into a powerful source of ventral vagal energy.
This past August I said goodbye to my childhood cat and soul pet, Big Guy. The impact of his loss left what feels like being submerged a thousand feet underwater. Torrents of grief, guilt, anger, pain and sadness that swirl around within me each time I think about him and his final moments. I imagine and expect his little round orange face to greet me each time I come home and the weight of him resting on my legs as I go to sleep each night.
From a Polyvagal perspective I’ve noticed myself being dragged down into a dorsal shutdown state, filled with great sadness on numerous occasions since crossing the rainbow bridge. Often getting lost in the story of his final days, ruminating on the last days and moments I spent with Big Guy. Or, noticing myself being hijacked by sympathetic activation. Fueled by an exasperated energy questioning how this could have happened, raging against the unfairness of his loss, or blaming myself for not having done something sooner.
While these are perfectly normal and expected stages of grief, I’ve found that there’s a point when ruminating unnecessarily on the loss has done me more harm than good. It keeps us fused with a self-defeating story one mired in guilt, shame, and despair.
More than ever before, I’ve needed to find the glimmers in the time Big Guy and I shared together. An exercise I’ve been experimenting with when I’ve wandered into the thorny dark and gloomy part of grief comes from Deb Dana’s book of various exercises for practicing principles from the Polyvagal Theory.
“From a Glimmer to Glow”
Find or notice a glimmer related to your pet, for example watching old videos of Big Guy purring and bonding with his little cat sibling. Then, I pause and let the experience grow within me, imagining that exact moment and reproducing what I heard, felt, saw, and smelled. Stay with the experience for at least half a minute or more, allowing the glimmer time to become a glow. Pause for a moment longer and try to notice what happens as you deepen into this memory and the accompanying sensations. Next, listen to the story that accompanies the glow. The story may become one of gratitude, love, and connection as you imagine this special moment you shared with your furry companion. Lastly, reflect on the glimmer and the glow. Explore the differences between just looking at a picture of your pet and basking in the moment you imagine and feel through your senses.
